Parent-Child Relationships #2

Parent-child relationships tend to be flash points for conflict in families that often span several generations. Frequently, the precipitating circumstances that originated these conflicts are long forgotten by all of the participants, but the 'bad blood' remains.

To be sure, many of these disagreements are the result of real and tangible actions on the part of the parties involved in the conflict, but just as frequently they are a function of neuropsychological dynamics which we will attempt, in brief, to discuss here.

Based on research with 150 families over a period of fifteen years of follow up, the first and most well established rule of parent-child relationships is that the child who is most neuropsychologically similar to a given parent is the one with whom that parent will have repeated conflicts. This rule holds true until that child reaches the age of 30 years (the age at which the brain is fully mature) at which time that same conflict laden relationship may well transform itself into one of friendship between parent and child.

Before addressing the dynamics of this odd set of interpersonal transformations, one other research based factor requires a moment's consideration. The study of a large number of three generation families strongly suggests an interesting correlation between the neuropsychological configurations (measurements of the comparative strengths of the right and left frontal lobes, in front of the ears, and the the right and left hemispheres, behind the ears) and familial similarities that seem to 'skip generations.'

The core of these findings resides in the following:

1) One granddaughter in the family will have a neuropsychological configuration that is very similar to, or an exact duplicate of her maternal grandfather.

2) One grandson in the family will have a neuropsychological configuration that is very similar to, or an exact duplicate of his paternal grandmother.

We now have two research verified findings that can provide insight into the origins of longstanding conflicts in familial interpersonal dynamics. However, more concrete and experiential notes are required in order to make these findings understandable. I shall discuss these issues in the form of questions.

1. As a parent, why should I have a conflict with my son or daughter because he/she perceives the world, thinks and feels about it in the same way I do?

The answer to this question is deceptively simple. Conflicts with those whose neuropsychological configurations are similar to, or exact duplicates of our own are especially troublesome when they represent our own flesh and blood. In our children, we are more likely see our own failings, especially if we deny their presence in ourselves, as these shortcomings are clearly illustrated in the actions and attitudes of our offspring on a daily basis. If we have not been able to 'forgive' these failings in ourselves, we cannot offer absolution to our children. The worst case scenario is that we end up punishing those 'disowned' parts of ourselves in the next generation.

2. What happens when my child turns 30?

First and foremost, my offspring have at the age of thirty years a 'fully functional brain' to work with, and as a parent I am now thirty years older, hopefully 'wiser' and more willing to accept my own deficiencies. In addition, when my neuropsychological duplicate son or daughter comes into his or her full faculties, they are better able to see both their own strengths and liabilities, and perhaps willing to accept what they see in the mirror of their parent's attitudes and behavior as a joint heritage. As a result of these changes in both parent and child, the two may well become the best of friends as previously they were the worst of adversaries.

3. Why do my kids 'get on' with some of their grandparents better than with me?

Most parents recognize that their children often 'get on' better with grandparents than with their mothers and fathers. Some of the reasons for this difference are self-evident and include: 'They just visit here, you don't have to live with them!', 'They're better behaved here than at home.', "You don't have to set limits and do discipline.', 'You spoil them, that's why they're so nice here.'

All of these explanations have merit and yet, every parent has seen such a radical transformation in a child's behavior when in the presence of one or the other grandparent as to defy all reason. I think of this as the 30+30 transformation, that is, the grandparent is likely about 30 years older than the parent and roughly 60 or less years older than their grandchild. This beneficial interaction effect is most likely to be evident when a granddaughter interacts with a maternal grandfather and a grandson relates to a paternal grandmother.

Although the grandparent-grandchild effect is sometimes difficult to describe, the outcome of the relationship remains the same. With some granddaughters, maternal grandfathers will have a more convivial relationship, like old friends, than the child experiences with her parents and the same is true with some grandsons and paternal grandmothers.

The outcome of this 'friendship across generations' is the probable result of two factors. First, these two individuals (grandparent and grandchild) have similar if not exact neuropsychological configurations, which under the best of circumstances, would make them 'friends' as adults (after the age of 30 years). Second, the discrepancy in generations suggests that the grandparent has amassed a greater understanding of themselves and a greater tolerance for their own faults and those of others which allows them to 'see their grandchildren as growing into the world' with greater clarity than the child's parents can yet muster. Given these two dynamics, it is almost as if nature guarantees that, at least, one grandchild will relate at a 'deeper level' with a particular grandparent than with either parent. An old African saying suggests that: "It takes a whole village to raise a child." Little of substantive worth can be added to this ancient bit of wisdom as a village consists of a group of interrelated extended families.

Lest we forget those grandchildren left without grandparents to verify their identity in the 'third' generation , let us pause to examine the question of 'surrogate grandparents.'

Similarity in neuropsychological configurations is not confined to 'blood lines.' In this examiner's research over the past 30 years and encompassing individuals and families from almost every continent on the globe, it is clear that the proportion of the many neuropsychological configurations in the general population (sample n = >5000) remains the same regardless of the vanities of race, nationality or religious creed.

Is it than necessary, or indeed even possible to locate a surrogate grandparent for a child without same? The answer is a forthright - yes! Given a brief neuropsychological evaluation of both the child and the prospective grandparent (grandaughter to grandfather, or grandson to grandmother), the match can be made. For all our self-serving imagings as to our individual competence as nuclear family parents, without this tribal continuity of neurological similarity across generations, it is difficult to imagine that the wealth of experiential knowledge, encompassing both personal successes and failures (the most important commodity transferred across generations) can be passed from one generation to the next.

Disappearing into the mists of deep time, we are all parts of a long line of progenitors who have lifted us up and moved us, not always with grace, along the rock strewn path into a future which we know not, to a destiny of which we are not yet aware.

Parent-child Relationships #1

One female student, who was acquainted with this researcher's work on the neuropsychological makeup of families remarked that: "It looks like a woman has only two choices, marrying the man she was genetically destined to mate, or having that same male as a son."

Although this is something of an overstatement, a kernel of truth therein resides. Mother nature, in attempting to match genetic, biochemical and immune systems in a complementary fashion (mediated by the everyday mechanisms of attraction - sight, sound, smell), wields an enormous hand in selecting our mates.

In truth, the genetic program for our species, as well as that of all other living organisms on the planet, is relentless. Without delving into the mysteries of mitochondrial (female) and nuclear (male) transmission of genetic traits, it is safe to say that up to 70% of who we are is dependent upon the genetically determined mechanisms of attraction that brought our parents together. Lest anyone be dismayed that we are but 'pawns of our predecessor's genes', it must be emphasized that we, each and everyone, have 30% absolute control over our personal destinies.

Now let us turn to the specifics of the matter. In a careful study of 150 families, a statistical analysis of the children of these families revealed that the neuropsychological makeup of the children could be predicted with 70% accuracy based solely on knowing their parents neuropsychological makeup. It is of interest to note that 70% is the percentage that all other aspects of the research suggests is the 'genetic contribution' that accounts for the central core of the perception, thinking style and personaltiy features for each of us. As parents then, 70% of our contribution to our children's future is genetic. This much is beyond our immediate control. We can only hold ourselves legitimately responsible for the 30% of the nurturance we provide when evaluating how our children's 'destines' eventually unfold.

On a personal note, I have worked with over 10,000 individuals and have seen children and adolescents who, reared in the most favored and nurturing environments, become terribly distressed adults and significant liabilities to society. By the same token, I have treated, nearly tearfully, young people who had been raised in environments, which only the conditions in a totalitarian death camp could rival, become delightful, productive adults and exceptional parents. Such is the legacy of working in the same practice for sixteen years as an observer of the inertia of genetics.

Understanding this nature (70%) - nurture (30%) phenomenon, born of clinical experience, one is of necessity constrained by the results of 30 years of research to the conclusion that cultures older than our own have long espoused, namely, that 'blood will tell.' In spite of all our vain imaginings and good intentions, we probably have much less control over our own, much less the destines of our children, than we believe.

This is not to say that we should adopt a laissez faire approach to child rearing! It rather suggests that we should take a page from the gardener's book.

In foregone times anyone who worked with living things was referred to as a 'husband', hence the term 'husbandry.' The use of this term suggests an individual who does not 'give birth to' a living organism, but rather sees to nurturing its normal growth, offers guidance and provides protection in the tender years of its development. Perhaps we should consider this ancient perspective embodied in the term 'husbandry' as the model for parenting.

Having planted and 'husbanded' over 1000 trees, including bonsai plants, I am aware that a tree can be distorted into any shape imaginable. Yet, the 'inner beauty' of that living system can only be realized with adequate care and minimal intervention on the part of the gardener.

As parents we are called to be good gardeners and practice 'husbandry' with our children, most particularly when they 'grow' in ways that do not always fit our plans for them. Recognizing that our offspring are no more than our 'charges', not clay that we can form into our own image, we may have both greater success and satisfaction in living with the next generation.

We are summoned to prop our young plants against strong winds, provide good soil, water, sunshine, room to grow, defend them against natural enemies, offer protection against excessive heat and cold, and even from time to time transplant them into more suitable habitats. Perhaps of all these husbandry tasks, the most difficult to manage resides in realizing that our job is done and stepping back, simply allow the fruits of nature's and our own small labors mature.